Labors Of Love

September 1, 2013

Samuel: Hello, dears.

Hello, Samuel.

S: So, how are you?

Good.

S: You’re in September now! September!

Time flies when you’re having a good time.

S: Must be a really good time. So what does September say to you?

A birthday month.

S: Birthdays.

Apples.

S: Apples

Allergies.

S: Allergies.

Field hockey season.

Cooler weather.

S: Cooler, hopefully, cooler, yes.

Autumnal equinox.

S: That’s Gwen’s birthday.

Also it’s a time of year . . . I think there may be some people in here that may share this feeling of school starting, the excitement of that. Of getting your school supplies and knowing there are going to be new things you’re going to learn, and being real happy and excited about it with the beginning of the fall.

S: I think the happy and excited part is usually the parents. I’m not so sure that it’s so much the children who are excited. Although I guess in the beginning years it’s sort of fun, isn’t it? Then you’ve got those middle years where it’s not so much fun. And then you get into the higher part, where you’re looking forward to it again. But not because, “Oh, goody! I’m going to learn something new!” But, “Ooo, I’m going to meet new people, or be back in my social life.” Or whatever seems to be. School is a very big new beginning. Autumn, another new beginning. Field hockey season begins —that goes with “big ending.” Birthdays are a beginning. What else is September?

Labor Day.

It’s what we start seeing manifested in the year coming to fruition.

S: Harvest time, be it apples or large crops or small crops, are harvested before it starts getting cold. And Carol, you said it’s also Labor Day. Labor Day is sort of where I’m going to tonight. Sort of. Labor Day is a celebration of laborers, yes? So the first thing I’d like to say to all of you is, thank you very much for laboring. And what is it you are laboring for?

Now when we were together most recently, we talked about how you spend your time. And how part of that time goes to your work—career labors—and some of your time goes to the labor of sleep, more of a labor for some of you than others. And on and one. Labor Day celebrates those who are laboring. What do you labor at? Now, something very interesting, I think, is that the idea of labor sounds hard: “I’m laboring over getting this done.” Doesn’t sound like, “I’m just working at it.” It sounds like it’s not a pleasant task, doesn’t it? And yet this is a celebration of those who are doing the hard stuff maybe?

And that’s the part I’m talking about tonight. I’m talking about one of the most challenging labors you have in a life. I’m talking about why it is such a labor and that if you do not make it a work—hopefully not a bad news labor—you’re going to be missing out on its purpose. I’m talking about the work of relationships in your life.

What kind of relationships do you have in your life? Yes, I’m asking this time.

Friends.

S: Yes, friends.

Self.

S: Very good.

Family and intimate relationships.

S: Good. Intimate relationships. Some of you remember that, right?

Coworkers.

S: Yes.

Animals.

S: Yes, absolutely. Some of those animals have four legs, some of them have two . . . you never know.

With Source.

S: Yes.

Marriage.

S: You have siblings, perhaps; ideally you have a relationships with them, yes. You have relationships with the television? You spend a lot of time with it, you talk to it, it talks to you. It is sports season, and a lot of you talk even more in that relationship.

Students.

S: Students to teacher, and teacher to student, and those are very likely two different relationships all together.

Food.

S: Your relationship with food. How is your relationship with food, by the way? Changing rapidly, as you are and as it should be. Stuart.

Relationships within the work place. Boss/manager . . .

S: Very good. People in authority and their relationship with, if you are in a hierarchical sort of situation, those who are lower on the food chain, or if it is not a hierarchical situation, those who you are responsible to help do their job. People in authority have a different relationship, like students and teachers, than the people that they are working with have with them, very often. Yes? The policeman that pulls you over for going too fast—again—has a different relationship with you than you do with the policeman. Right?

Yes sir. [Laughter]

S: Which is actually a very good example of it. You tend to want to be a little deferential, very respectful, and careful when that sort of thing happens. Right?

Financial institutions.

S: Very good. You have a relationship perhaps with your bank or credit union.

Credit cards.

S: A relationship with your credit cards. Some of you have much too intimate relationship with them.

These days a lot of people have a relationship with their smart phones.

S: Very true. It’s smart, so why not?

With plants.

S: Uh-huh. A relationship with the plant kingdom, and they have a relationship with you.

We’re currently in a situation in the world where the relationship between nations is on everyone’s mind, I think, and appropriate responses to actions that another nation will take or has taken.

S: Lovely. And the bottom line with all this is—because there are a multitude of different kinds of relationships—is that you have more types of relationships in your life that you must be conscious about for that relationship to work than you may realize. And I say that because too often in this world what you see is people taking each other for granted. Or assuming that this is what this is, what we’re doing, and you are checking out my groceries and that’s as far as it goes. Assuming that there is not a relationship where there actually is [a relationship]. There is also the situation where people think relationship means long-term commitment, and it’s not a relationship without that.

You have so many relationships in your life. Day by day you are affecting the world you are a part of by way of your relationships. And the biggest thing that people forget with regard to a relationship is that it takes work, and it is non-stop work, and you must be conscious within it. Otherwise, the relationship is not going to be effective.

I want you to think about three different relationships you have in your life. Ideally for the sake of this, think human-to-human relationships, but if you don’t have many of those, go ahead and come up with a different kind of relationship you have. I want you to think about three different sorts of relationship that you have in your life. You’re thinking, thinking, thinking. Got it? Now first, what is the common denominator in all those relationships? This shouldn’t be a hard question.

You.

S: You! Right. You are the common denominator. Hopefully, not the lowest common denominator, but you are the common aspect in all of those.

So the second thing I want you to look at is, are those relationships happily functional relationships. They can be functional and unhappy. I’m saying happily functional relationships. And if they are all, why? And if they are not, why? And you don’t have to confess here; that’s not what I’m after. I’m after you thinking about it. What is it that does not work in this relationship that make it different than this one that does work.

[Takes a drink] I would imagine that one of the greatest things that’s happened in all of these years of doing this work is I learned to drink out of a glass. [Laughter]

I would imagine that when you have a relationship in your life that’s not going as well as you would like it to be, that you’d rather not think about that relationship. You would rather, much rather, think about the ones that work. Occasionally it’s very, very useful to look at what doesn’t work. So thinking about relationships that you may have thought of that aren’t where you wished they could be, as good as you would want it to be—it doesn’t have to just be bad, just not where you’d wish it to be—what is the cause, as you see it, of it not working very well?

Now, here is where I smack you on top of the head. If your reply to that starts with, “Well they . . .” anything—anything—you’ve got it wrong and that’s why the relationship doesn’t work. Every relationship you have in your life is about you. It’s because you feel good about you, or because you feel not good about you. “I deserve the best.” “I deserve the worst.” It’s because you are functioning in a healthy pattern, or you’re not functioning in a healthy pattern. It’s all about you because you are the one who is in charge of the way you respond to whatever comes at you in this world. Which is to say when you find yourself in a situation where you are with somebody that is harsh, unpleasant, not your idea of a possible best friend, it’s not to think about, “Oh, you know, they must have had a really bad childhood,” or “They just are so rude and don’t even care.” It would change if you were able to turn it around instead and recognize, “I could be more patient.” Or maybe even, “I could stay out of the way.” When you’ve got a relationship in your life that isn’t working the way you think it should be, the most important thing you can do, the number one labor to do for a relationship that isn’t working well, is to look at yourself first as to what you can do to bring about a change in the relationship. “Samuel, you don’t understand. This is a situation in which this person is just a barbarian and we just will never get along. It’s a chemical thing. There’s just no chemistry there,” and “I’ve been wounded so many times I don’t have any cheeks left.” Right? And that may be very true. Your choice is, you can either put it in the basket of “No relationship ever going to happen there” and you will be at a loss for it, or you will put it into the basket of “What can I do to bring about a difference here?”

What can you do to bring about a difference in a relationship that’s not working well?

I am laughing because dear Quinn is dying for a belly rub, it appears. And Quinn had a special day today, did he not?

He did. He graduated from a class and had a birthday this week.

S: And that is a hat on him?

A mortar board, a graduation hat.

S: Oh, Mary Claire, you must bring him up. [Audience hums “Pomp and Circumstance”]

[To Quinn] And are you getting this? You see the graduate. And now you are advanced, yes? What have you advanced to? Apparently superior licking. Are you one now? Oh yes. That’s right. He is saying, “I will have a relationship with you if you keep that up.” So congratulations, my dear. [ . . . ] Thank you, love.

Quinn, as in the mighty Quinn, has a relationship with many, many people. He has very small relationships and very long-term relationships. He draws relationships to him by being open and smiling and happy. He is a very good example of how to make relationships happen. He assumes, “You want to pet me, don’t you? I want to get close to you.” He assumes that it’s going to work. He doesn’t assume that you’re going to hurt him, or otherwise be mean to him. He assumes the best. He has a relationship that isn’t a great one, the one with Hapi dog, because Hapi doesn’t like—well, anybody but the Form.

Ironic name.

S: Hapi wants to ignore him. Does that make him give up?

Sometimes, but he always gives it another try.

S: That’s right. Because to Quinn there’s no such thing as not enough cheese. Because what Quinn wants in that relationship is what is bigger than what he doesn’t want.

Now I was talking about when you’ve got a relationship where something is not working. “Samuel, I’ve run out of cheeks. I’ve got no desire to make this work.” It’s not good. What do you do then? I’ll give you a hint. Same answer. You look at yourself. There is no such thing as a relationship that doesn’t work because of one person in that relationship. It doesn’t work because of both involved in that relationship. Even if your involvement has been passive, as in you’ll just let it happen, let it go. Even if your part in it has been kind and loving the whole time. If you saw the behaviors that were going to break it down and did nothing, you are a part of it. So with that in mind, what might be the number one thing every relationship needs?

Communication.

S: Good communication. The good relationships you have on your list are good because of the way you communicate. And the poor relationships on your list are poor because of the way you communicate, or maybe better said, don’t communicate. Somebody define communication for me.

The art of being heard.

S: Yes. Communication is the art of being heard. It’s not my ability to say it well. It’s your ability to be heard by the other. Now, that throws off most everything you’ve been taught all along; I’m sorry. And yet, that one instruction changes everything. In your life you have people that you speak with in one way that’s quite different than when you speak with this [other] person. Give me examples.

The boss.

S: The way that you speak with your boss, or your granddaughter, or your spouse. Absolutely. Totally different. What’s another?

Well, the way you speak with yourself.

S: Well, yes. The way that you speak when you’re talking to yourself and you’re happy with yourself, and the way you speak when you’re not that happy with yourself.

How I speak to my kitty is really pretty much different than the way I speak to myself or anyone else.

S: And how do you speak to your kitty?

“Who’s my good little girl?” And other things . . .

S: Sure, sure, you know how that works. And the purpose for it, for that difference, for that change, is because you want to be heard. Notice I did not say understood. Unless you’ve got a language problem, and in that case understood might be helpful.  But that idea that you have to understand where I’m coming from is not accurate. In fact that becomes controlling, and controlling ruins relationships. To be heard—I always think of cows in a pasture when I say that. We are talking hearing-heard, not mooing-herd. Yes. What do you need to do to be heard?

In some relationships they work out better when you avoid certain topics. In that sense, you maybe realize that “I won’t be heard when I’m talking politics with this person, so I’ll refrain from doing so.” But if I have a need to be heard on all topics with everybody, then I won’t have many friends, if any.

S: You’re right. Now when you are choosing to ignore a certain topic, why would you choose to do that?

Well, I see there’s value in the relationship and I know that we don’t agree in this one area, so why force it? We’ll just avoid it. Because I don’t need that person to hear me, and that person’s not going to maybe necessarily understand my perspective, or appreciate it. I’m not making that assumption; it’s history, where we’ve had disagreements in the past.

S: And because you value the relationship, you simply bypass something that you feel would do better unsaid.

Right. I’m not going to be heard if I’m talking about this particular topic. But another topic that we have common ground on might . . .

S: Seeking common ground instead. Question: Is it dishonest to leave out some topics.

Not dishonest. It’s considerate. Considerate to have the value of the relationship. It’s not dishonest. Having to say everything you believe about a topic is pretty narcissistic.

S: And yet there are so many people who have to say everything that’s on their mind. It can be dishonesty. You’ve got to be very clear in a relationship. If you are in an intimate relationship and something’s is not working and you just keep bypassing that subject, the relationship will die. “But that’s what I’m afraid of! I’m afraid it might die if I say . . .” Then you’re not being heard. Have you ever been told something unpleasant in such a way that you really heard it and it wasn’t so unpleasant after all? You be that person. Choose to be as kind, and thoughtful and loving and clear and simple in your communications as you can so that there isn’t misunderstanding, and mistrust and fear and unnecessary pain that comes up because of it. Recognize that the closer you are to the person, the more you need to be able to speak about all things going on in your life. The less you know the person, the more you can use the “stay away from these three topics and generally things will be all right.” Don’t talk about politics, religion, Tennessee, Duke. Isn’t that how that works here? Isn’t there a rivalry?

And you’re doing that not because you’re trying to hold back something, but because you value what is possible. And that value might be a distant relationship becoming a closer relationship. Don’t cut yourself and bleed blue until you know that person a little better because you might have somebody who has no idea what you are talking about, and you ought to know that first.

Relationships don’t work when you don’t communicate. But if you aren’t communicating out of a place of love, be that “I love you the rest of your life,” or be that, “Human to human we function as one, and there is a love there out of a connection with Source.” Whatever kind of love, if it’s not coming out of that place of love, the communication is going to sour. And communication is the number-one way to make a relationship grow or way to make a relationship fail.

I have to ask about relationships with people who you don’t want to have a relationship with but they want to have a relationship with you. In terms of communication then, how would you do that in the most loving, possible way while . . .

S: You are talking about somebody who wants to have an intimate relationship? Will-you-be-my-girlfriend kind of relationship.

Will you be my daughter?

S: In very dysfunctional family situations, there does come a point where separation is the healthiest thing. But what you want to be careful with is that you are not determining this is how it’s going to be forever. You’re not removing the hope that change can happen and love can prevail. In a family—and yes, there are all kinds of families—but in a mother, father, daughter, or son relationship, there are bad parents, there are rotten kids. Recognize your part in it. Don’t hold on to the pain. Don’t assume they understand. Don’t assume you know what they want or are feeling. And all of that should be two ways. But also do not believe that you must remain in an abusive relationship, a relationship that is not healthy, simply because you share blood. But be careful that you’re not throwing away everything. There is a baby and bathwater—that sounds horrible!—that you’re not throwing away everything, because that says you are the one being inflexible. Change happens. Hope remains. Occasionally stick your toe in that water and see how cold it is. Old patterns still prevail, back away. So how do you say that kindly? Well, it’s going to be different for everybody, because the person to whom you’re going to be speaking is going to hear differently, but something along the lines of, because you can only speak for yourself, “I’m not in a place in my life where I can have a functioning relationship with you, but that may change. I’m not ruling that out, but right now what I need is time.” Now, you may have said that a lot, and said it well, sometimes better than others, but they don’t want to let go of who you were and don’t have an understanding of who you are. It is a bad combo. But your job—remain loving, stick your toe in now and again, send post cards—that was a joke—and be willing for that to change. It will never change if you don’t want it to. And you’ve got to want to.

Cam.

In a situation where the other party of blood has maybe communicated that they don’t want to communicate, they’re angry, and so I respect that and just wait until they come around if they want to, and be prepared to communicate at that time. But I’m not making any communication. Am I being negligent in some way?

S: Well of course, once again, that depends on the situation. Everybody’s is different, but in your case, send a birthday card, send a holiday card. No long post to go with it, just a reminder that, “Love, Cam” is there.

I want to say again, and particularly in the case with you, there are some relationships that you’re not going to be able to change into something good no matter what you do. How do you have a relationship then?

You can send them love, loving thoughts.

S: Yes, absolutely. Maybe the relationship is only going to be sending loving thoughts, doing cord work to send energy for what they need. Yes, very much. What else?

Think the best of them.

S: Think the best of them no matter what they’re showing you.

Have no expectations.

S: Yes! Don’t have expectations. You see, when you are expecting that all of this good stuff that you are doing is going to pay off and they will change, you are manipulating. And you’re also setting yourself up for pain. Whereas if you are without expectations and things should change, pleasant surprise. And it happens, doesn’t it? It does, absolutely.

Relationships take work, but sometimes that work means doing things like not setting it up for a political argument, not showing up in a delicate situation, letting the person have space, going without for awhile. Sometimes a relationship is sustained by your refraining rather than pushing. But you must be careful that you’re not being lazy or justifying what you really don’t want to be doing anyway, and that requires your relationship with yourself to be onto you.

Many, many people want an intimate relationship, or a best friend, or that kind of close committed connection. Gwendolyn says, “Get a dog.” You can get a cat, but that’s going to be more about teaching you to be the giving one. And yet, it keeps not happening. It’s not there. The people aren’t there. The relationship isn’t there. What if you’re doing everything you know to be open to having a relationship like that and yet it doesn’t happen? What do you do? The first thing that you do is you don’t seek it. Now let me clarify what I’m saying there. It should not be number one on your list—“I want this so much!” Because that becomes a negative force instead of a positive one. Why?

Then one of two things happen. You either try to control it or you give in completely.

S: Good, good! “I want this so much I’ll be totally passive.” Or “I’ll really make sure this doesn’t mess up.”

You’re focusing on what you don’t have.

S: Yes, there. You’re focused on what isn’t there, so your hands are closed, nothing can be put into them because you are so focused on, “I want this. I’ve got to have it. It’s not there.” You’ve heard the phrase “Get a life.” That’s really key. Doing what you enjoy without putting out that energy of “Come and get me, baby.” That’s what I’m after here. Doing what you love, meeting new people, encouraging all kinds of relationships is going to help you become the person that draws a relationship to you, but nearly always it comes—one of the few things that gets dropped in your lap. The right person at the right time because you are ready.

Now that’s not to say that there are not people in this room who have not strongly pursued somebody and finally a relationship came about. But for almost all of you, it happened because you were in a space, the other person was in a space, you met, and something changed. You chose to act on it. You chose to act on it. Every day you make thousands of choices. Constantly making choices. You must choose “I want to take the next step here,” and that means you must be willing to not have, to hear “No,” to be vulnerable, and not have it change your whole life. “I’ve tried to have a relationship and it didn’t work, so forget that.”

Good relationships come out of good friendships. What do you like in a friend? If you know what it is you like, then as you get to know somebody you become aware that these qualities are there, this is a good friend. If it doesn’t go farther, you’ve still got a good friend. If it does go farther, you’ve got the kind of relationship that lasts because you’re learned how to talk to each other, you’ve learned how to work with each other, you’ve learned how to dance around each other when that is occasionally necessary. You see and know when to not see, you hear and know when to not hear, you speak and you know when to shut up because you are friends. Don’t go into a relationship seeking a full-time commitment. Simply be open if that should come about. You see that difference?

It is constant work to make a relationship stay steady over the long haul. It takes work that involves not assuming, that involves a willingness to look at oneself honestly, boldly. It takes communication—the spoken, the unspoken—both are communication, the facial expressions, the tone you are using. Be heard. Do not need; openly want. “I would like this. I do not have to have this.”

Every day of your life are you willing to do what is needed to make a relationship work? And when the time comes that you’re not, I guarantee the relationship fails from there. It’s over unless both are willing to do the work. So what are you willing to do? And what are you not willing to do? And has that changed in your life? What you’re willing to do now to make a relationship work, is that the same as when you were fourteen? Or four? Or forty?

What about your relationship with this planet? What about your relationship with Source? What are you doing to keep those relationships healthy and happy and working? And do not forget it takes conscious action every day.

Tomorrow, I think, is the day to celebrate laborers. You are a laborer. And your greatest labor has to do with the relationships in your life. What are you doing to make them work? What have you done to keep them from working? That’s what Labor Day should be about, the opportunity to think about the labors of love in your life, because that is the basis of all relationships from the most important to the least. And your ability to communicate that love builds the trust that allows the relationship to continue. If you could give yourself a few minutes tomorrow to celebrate the relationships in your life that you enjoy and that work, and to evaluate the ones that aren’t working, and learn, and maybe change. Look at your relationship with yourself, your relationship with Source, and your relationships with others. What works, what does not work, what can change, and how to do it. Labors of love. All right.

Very serious tonight. I know you hate that. Sorry. But what you have come here to give to this world is going to be given by way of the relationships you have, the gifts you have to offer, the wisdom you can share. The reason you are here is expressed through the relationships that you have had, now have, and will have. You are here to help bring this world to a much better place, and that means a much better quality of relationships. And that takes work.

Glochanumora.