March 6, 2011

Samuel: Hello, dears.

Hello, Samuel.

S: Are you good? What would you need to be great?

Four more inches. (Laughter)

S: In height! In height! To be great . . . what do you need? Aye.

I’ve had glimpses of the greatness this past couple of weeks, and what would make it more permanent is a more constant awareness that I am great.

S: Yes, yes! It’s good.

Stuart, was your hand up? Nay. Bonnie.

I was going to say just off the top of my head, what it would take to make me feel really great right now is if my ears would unstop. They’re all stopped up.

S: It’s because you’re so high up on that mountain.

The last time we were together, we talked about how to know when a relationship is not working so well. So guess what we’re talking about tonight? To know when it is working well! Or maybe how to make it so.

Who can remember what tends to kill a relationship?

Mistrust . . .

S: Mistrust. Yes. That will, that will. More.

Lack of wonder.

S: Very good, very good. Have lost the wonder. Yes. Lack of respect, yes, works with lack of trust.

Taking someone for granted. So familiarity that you don’t look for the . . .

S: Being in a rut, taking someone for granted, not enjoying each other.

Poor communication.

S: Yes. Poor communication, or no communication, which often becomes the case.

Not taking care of your health.

S: Yes.

Physical, emotional, mental, and so forth.

S: Yes. Letting fear run your life.

There are a lot of things that are signals a relationship isn’t really working, and this isn’t just a relationship with your mate; it’s any kind of relationship. How do you know that a relationship with the grocery clerk is not working? One of you perhaps is being sort of surly. The bread was put on the bottom of the sack. There’s no wonder left. The passion is gone. But in the very same way that you need to know the signs of a relationship that’s not working, you also need to know the signs of a relationship that is working. Maybe not so much that as perhaps maybe how to make one work and what you need to do that.

And what I have been dealing with a lot over the last months . . . years . . . eons . . . are those who’ve been in a relationship for a very long time but they’ve just lost the mindfulness of it. Now, everything that I’ve been talking about . . . no, let me change that: nearly everything that I will be talking about fits in any sort of relationship. But I’m going to be particularly talking about a relationship that you have in a committed partnership. That could be business, it could be lovers; the key in it is the commitment. However, it’s also talking about your relationship with yourself. And you cannot manage a relationship with another person if you do not have a good working relationship with yourself. And the very first place you want to look when you realize that you’re in a relationship that isn’t working real well is at your relationship with yourself. And by that, I’m not saying, “I’m looking at my relationship with myself. I’ve lost the passion in this relationship so I have lost the passion in the relationship with myself.” That’s not what I’m saying. If you try to look at it that way, you’re going to miss out on things. No. It’s about, do you know you? Do you trust you? Do you respect you? Do you love yourself. Do you know you, yourself? What’s involved in knowing one’s self?

You have to be on to your tricks.

S: That’s true.

For instance, to know why you want something from the other person, what it’s fulfilling in you.

S: Very good. Knowing what’s behind the things you want, what you think, what your beliefs are, knowing what’s behind it. Being on o you, I call that. Are you on to you? Do you know when it is your childhood is speaking, or your first boss is speaking, or your parents speaking, or Source speaking? Unless you know you, you never know what is not you, and unless you know who you are right now you’ll never be able to recognize all those hiding in the little corners stuffed here and there. So often the question is when do you know when Source is telling you do go this way or that way. And a whole lot of people unfortunately make the decision that they would not themselves make, figuring that must be the answer. Do you realize how sad that is? But even beyond that, that’s because you don’t know you, trust you, respect you, love you enough or you would realize that what you want when you are functioning at your best and highest is what Source wants. Knowing yourself. Let’s see, across the gates at the Temple Apollo: “Know Thyself.” It takes a lifetime. Knowing another person does not take as much time as knowing yourself, because everybody that you interact with touches you, changes you in one way or another so that you are constantly changing, and you must make it one of your life’s great desires –needs—to constantly stay on to you; to know you.

Respect is a function of trust. Trust is a function of choice. Now I must say, depending upon any given audience I would say that four or five different ways. But right now, tonight, respect comes out of trust. But that trust does not have to be complete, one hundred percent full right there trust, fully grown as if I’ve known you for a thousand years, by the way. It just has to be enough to get you through the moment.

Humans make a lot of sadness and hardship around trust. Trust is a choice. “I choose to trust until you show me I should not,” is totally different than, “ I choose not to trust you until you prove to me that you are worthy of it.” But what do you think most people go for? The second one, that’s right. And that makes life so much harder. You think that trust is going to be based on experience, but trust is confirmed or affirmed. Your good choice is affirmed by experience. The trust is a choice that alters the way you choose to look at someone or something. And when you choose not to trust, I absolutely guarantee a hundred percent it’s because you are not trusting guess who—yourself, your choices, your direction.

Your relationship with yourself also needs to include love. And that doesn’t mean you are narcissistic, although you might be. A lot of Guardians are; it’s kind of a hazard of the job. It means you are a function of Source in this world, and as you recognize that, the love becomes you. You are a function of Source in this world. All right, I’ve said that another way: “What is the function of Source in this world?” Love. God is love. Source is love. And as you recognize that connection, then you become that love. And until you have created those skills—and they are skills: to know yourself, to respect and trust and love yourself—you should not be in a relationship with anybody but the clerk at the grocery store, or anything else that takes more than about five minutes at a time. Because every relationship requires those foundation attributes: the ability to grow in the knowledge of each other. The ability to grow in the respect for each other. The ability —you get I’m calling these abilities—the ability to grow in the trust of each other, ahe ability to grow in the love for each other. If you don’t have it, you can’t get it. If you don’t have it, you won’t get it.

So think for a moment about your relationship In every relationship. If there are problems, it is because one of those four foundational needs is not being met And why it’s not being met becomes the story that goes with it all. But it’s because one of those four valuable things is not happening. “But wait a minute Samuel. I thought that a relationship required a common vision, and passion, and a desire for . . .” And all of that’s true. But if you’re in a relationship where the passion is waning and the vision isn’t in sync, and there is difficultly seeing things the same way, and there is a lot of pressure from economics and values, and . . . and . . . and . . .—the thousand and one things that are all excuses—it’s because somewhere along the line knowing yourself and the ability to know the other, respect, trust and love has fallen. These are choices. It’s not like you are ten years old and you are riding your bicycle and you lose your balance and you fall along the road and it scrapes skin off—wasn’t that pretty? You know what it’s going to look like. You know what’s going on there. It’s not like that. You choose based on what you believe you are successful at. Or you choose based on what you are the least afraid of.

How do you know when you’re in the most trouble? When most of your choices are based on the fear option, when you’re making choices making choices based on what you’re the least afraid of. I heard . . —ah, what the heck? It comes with the territory—I heard Frank say to Stuart, “I haven’t talked to you about that because I’m kind of afraid to talk to you about things like that.” Mind you, that’s an adult talking to an adult. And when you hear yourself thinking that or somebody in a relationship says that to you, big trouble. It’s in trouble because you’re making your choices based on what you fear the least. “At least this one isn’t as bad as that one. I’ll take door number two!” How much of your life are you stuck with having to make choices that are about what you hate the least, what you fear the least?

In a committed relationship, that should not be a part of that. You have to deal with that at work; you have to deal with that . . . I don’t know where. But it should not be the case in a committed relationship.

So what about the parts where you ought to have a vision that works together? More often than not, I say to people, “All right, do you have a common vision? What’s going on there?”

“Yes, we have a common vision. It’s to help each other be the best we can be.”

And if that’s your vision, I guarantee you’re going to have just a lukewarm relationship, because your vision is so broad and general that pretty much you can do anything and say, “Oh, well, that’s hoping for the best.” And it’s not.

I think it’s useful to set a vision, well, probably once a year but I would be delighted if you did it once a month. “What’s our vision for this month?” And I want to remind you something that should be a part of it: the love should be there, but so should the laughter. The number-one thing—oh boy, this is really going to throw off all of the menopause doctors—the number-one thing that causes a lack of sexual desire in a relationship is a lack of laughter. Laughter is healing; it fuels your body . . . what’s the word? It fills your body, with all of that good bunch of chemicals that make you feel really good. It is an eternal function. Laughter moves beyond this life, this world. When relationships are beginning, there’s always a lot of laughter, and not because there’s such a good sense of humor necessarily. That’s nice, that helps, but it’s laughter because you’re enjoying yourself. Could be flirtatious. But I mean the kind where you’re just out enjoying the day, and you’re more quick to laugh. It’s a barometer of your emotional health. And it’s out of the emotional self that most humans make their decisions. That’s really sad, but there you go. That’s where most of it comes from.

So what do you need to bring more laughter into your life?

Stories of Lea’s mom with her magnet sign.

S: (laughs) And you should have seen it!

We all had a good laugh before you got here.

S: Frank, you were making the form laugh?

She was singing “Strangers in the Night,” and there is a line in there, “ . . . for strangers in the night,” and I said, “ . . . four strangers in the night.” (Laughter)

S: And I was going with “nocturnal omissions.” Well, that was a lot funnier.

We were talking about […] and I said, “If you left one off the list, it would be a nocturnal omission.” (Laughter)

S: It does not have to be that kind of humor, because some of you just don’t have it. What makes you laugh? If you don’t know, you are in desperate straits and that needs to change as quickly as possible. And I’m very serious about that. What makes you laugh?

Who has ever had a kitten? Kitten make you laugh? Got a dog? Dogs make you laugh? What did your dog do to make you laugh most recently? And running you into a pothole doesn’t count. Gwendolyn.

My dog is getting older. And he has such a playful nature, and he had been outside and he just came in, and he started running through the house. And he has a kind of a runway where he can go around and around. And I was going to intercept him, and he would just speed up and look back at me and go […]. And I got to laughing, because just the idea that he would gauge his speed on mine so that I wouldn’t intercept him. And we did this longer than I wanted to, but I think it was worth the while.

S: Aye. But if you don’t have a dog, and you don’t have a cat, maybe you’ve got a two-legged one. Does Owen make you laugh?


S: Owen, do you make your parents laugh?


S: But if you’re missing the big three, what are you going to do? Marry a clown.

Funniest Home Videos of Pets.

S: Funniest Home Videos of Pets—all right. Television or Internet or both?


S: Watch something that makes you laugh, reminds you what laughter is like. What else can you do?

Come to game night.

S: Yes, yes. It’s almost over. At the equinox. But yes, games night.

Go out with friends. Laura and I went out to a concert a couple of weeks ago and we just started giggling in the car as we were getting ready to leave, and we just couldn’t stop giggling. And Laura was talking to the partner, Pat, her husband, and he said, “Are you girls drunk?” And we said, “No, we’re just laughing.” And there are some people you can just do that with.

S: Surround yourselves with people who take themselves lightly, who take life lightly.


Now this is going to be perhaps a painful reminder for some of you, and I’m very sorry if that’s the case. I know that too many of you, for genetic reasons usually, or the eight thousand reasons a day that come your way . . . depression is something that really goes on in your life. Take your meds and stop it. Really. And if they’re not working, get them worked out. It’s a chemical thing. Let’s get the chemicals worked out. But for those of you who are simply drowning in life because it’s not going your way, and you’re not chemically depressed, you’re just indulgently depressed, stop it! How many of you have a dog? When you come home tonight, what are you going to be greeted with? A dog in the face, a waggy tail. Maybe, “Oh my gosh, my favorite human in the whole world is here right now! I can’t believe I missed you so much? Don’t ever leave me again! It’s bizarre without you. I’m so glad you are back!” And you love it, don’t you? You love it! “Oh, calm down, calm down.” You love it!

But if instead your dog greeted you with, “Oh,” then you’d have a cat. But, point being, it wouldn’t be quite so exciting to come home to, would it? Are you any fun to come home to? With people you care about in your life, and this one works for the grocery clerk just as much as it works for someone you are intimately connected with. When you express joy, not only is it contagious, but it makes you a magnet. People want that.


S: Enthusiasm. Not necessarily, because enthusiasm can be a bit overwhelming for some people.

Enthusiasm in what they’re saying, what they’re doing.

S: Yes! Interested in them. Have something to talk about that isn’t you. Are you aware of how often somebody says what’s going on with them and you reply with, “I’ve done that . . . I’ve had that . . . I know that.” I promise you, you may both have a cold, but both of those colds are totally different. You may both have experienced emotional abuse as a child, but both of those situations were totally differeent. When you pop in your version of it you’re not helping them feel comfortable; you’re taking way their moment. And when you do that often enough, that relationship goes. “Oh, it’s all right because he’s had all of . . . she’s had all of . . . it’s . . .” Guardians are so good at justification.

I was just going to say that I first became very much aware of that from the form, and I’m sure she hears the very same stories over and over again, the same versions, but when you talk to her, it’s like it’s the first time she’s ever heard it and she gives it her undivided attention. It makes you feel real special.

S: And you don’t even get into how bad her memory is, eh? You two could tell each other all kind of stories, over and over and over.

But, using that as an example, many of you have had the opportunity to sit across form the form, because I hear it in the announcements: “She gives you her attention.” Do Frank and Stuart get that? I hope so. Say yes. Because what happens very often is, it starts out you’re very interested and you are paying attention and you are taking mental notes, but pretty soon you’re still reading the paper while they’re talking. It’s not a conversation if you’re not looking each other in the eyes. Did you hear that? You can have talked at each other, but it’s not a conversation unless you are looking each other in the eyes. You can—and this is so with the form, this is so with a few of you in here—you can create that charisma everywhere you go with three things: you come out of a place of love and joy, you have a real smile on your face and you look somebody in the eyes when you speak with them, and you are connecting in way that is rarely done. And it causes strangers to want some of that. You looking for a relationship in your life? Maybe bringing in a little of that into it can draw to you more of what you’re looking for.

Nowadays, with the electronics of communication, you’re replacing people being together and looking at each other.

S: Nowadays people aren’t looking at each other because it’s done electronically. Get Skype.

When we got Skype, everyone’s looking down. They’re not looking at you.

S: Perhaps they need to adjust where their computer sits.

It was very disconcerting because we were all looking down and not at each other’s eyes.

S: Did you say anything about that?

Yeah, we tried; and, well, anyway, we decided we’d just talk on the phone. (Laughter)

S: And yes, that is true, but if the choice is no communication at all, then go with electronic communication. If the choice is electronic or in person, don’t let electronic be the majority with people you care about and want to have care about you.

Another thing that allows a relationship to move to a greater level is touch. And I’m not talking about sexual touch at all. But I do mean physical touch. Give me an example, please, of a non-sexual, physical touch.


S: With a mate that might work, but . . .


S: Touching a shoulder, umm . . . aye.

Greeting a friend with a hug.

S: All right, all right.

It’s formal; in a lot of settings it doesn’t really work. But I remember in business settings, shaking hands was really an acceptable way, twenty years ago, for men to touch and for there to be a communication.

S: Shaking hands is one of the most wonderful, covert ways of getting a touch in.


S: Ah, yes, when you add both of your hands into that shake. Can you see that? (Reference to Noki) She also wants four inches. Touch as you go by. But it goes to the next level not just with touch; it’s when the touch communicates something. It’s when you are thinking love, or “I like you,” or “this is fun.” Or it can be just as you are wandering by. In relationships, the loss of touch— and again I’m not even talking sexual contact; I mean just the little touches—goes first. And when it’s brought back, it makes some of the most obvious changes for the better. When people are ill, one of the things that happens is their friends and family stop touching them. And very, very often you hear that nursing homes are now training attendants to give positive touch because the human body needs it. Touch changes your state of mind. So in the very same way that a touch can be arousing, touch can also stop an arousal in the negative direction—that anger starting up, that tension, stress. A reminder by way of contact shifts the mind. Now if you don’t follow it up, you’re not going to shift it very far. So there’s going to be more to it than that. But my point is the power of touch. Try it with your dog or cat that is in one of their frantic kind of states. Touch the back of the neck like the mother dog or the mother cat would do. Horses, too, yes; cows, too. Aye. Because it causes a pause. Sometimes that’s all that is needed, is the pause. Because once there’s been the pause, you can start filling it up with that which is powerful, that which is positive, that which works.

Why do you want this relationship, whatever it happens to be? Why do you want it? What do you have to offer? Oops. I thought it was about what I was getting. What do you have to offer? And are you offering it, by the way? What do you think the other person wants from you? Ask them if you’re right. You might be surprised. You’ve been functioning on all of these expectations that might be twenty years old, or they might have never existed anywhere except in your mind. That happens a lot.

And then here is probably the biggest: It does not have to be religion, it does not have to be spiritual in any kind of traditional term, but you need a shared activity that is about being your best self. What is it? Now, to you I would say you need to share a spiritual connection, something that brings you up to your best and your highest, because that’s what you’re here about. And to have somebody important in your life that shares that makes a huge difference. But, it doesn’t have to be this, it doesn’t have to be church . . . but there has to be something. Because without that in common, you will wither. The relationship will not thrive. And some of you know that too well. You’ve seen that happen. The foundation of every good relationship is knowing, respecting, trusting, and loving yourself, because from there you have the basis to know another, trust another, respect another, and love another. But there are so many things that come out of that. So many things such as touch, being positive and communicating, sharing higher values that make the relationship worth continuing. You know what it feels like when it’s dying. Now learn to feel what it’s like when it’s starting, growing, becoming, being. That’s the fun part, anyway, and to not have that is because one or both of you have become self-indulgent and lazy. Really. Is it you? Are you the one? Change it. No excuses. Be the one that makes it heal.

This is a month of new beginnings. Now, next week we’re going to pretend it’s the first Sunday of April, and it’s going to be Questions and Answers. So, there will be three-by-five cards on your chair when get here. Write your question down—legible helps. You can paperclip a question to it. If you’re not legible, you can type it out first. Nobody types anymore. What would you say? Print it out first. But, don’t give me one of those twelve-questions-in-one, now. “This question is fourteen pages long just to give you the background of what’s happening there.”

It’s always fun. If you ask it right, I’ll answer it. Promise. Really. So let’s have fun with it.

Glochanumora. Happy trails.