How To Cope With The Holidays

December 4, 1994

Samuel: Well greetings, dears.

Greetings, Samuel.

S: Still here? Good. Busy time, eh? Good. I don’t want gifts tonight. I want miracles. Give me a miracle. Anybody got any lately? [Pause]

That easy, eh? Based on that, let me pass this along. A miracle is not what happened, it’s how you saw it. It’s how you saw it. Aye, dear.

The other day I was driving along and realized what a beautiful day it was, and how wonderful it was. And I just felt great and was really happy to be alive. And then a day or two later I was driving along, running some errands, and I just felt lost, overwhelmed, kind of depressed, like things weren’t going right. And I looked around and I saw this beautiful day—the sun was shining, there were still some colorful leaves out—it was a gorgeous, crisp, clear day, and I realized that it was as beautiful a day as the other day had been. The only thing that had changed was me. And by changing my perspective and realizing that it was my perspective that was making me have an awful day, my day changed. It became a … I was able to see the beauty in the world around, and change my attitude and be happier.

S: Tell me where the miracle is. That’s good. Tell me where the miracle is. Where’s the point of miracle?

Well, for me it’s being aware first that I’m not having the attitude I should have, because I can’t change until I’m aware I’m not in a good mood or having a good time.

S: Gracious, Frank, perhaps in a whole lot of lives that’s a miracle, do you think? Being able to know that something can be changed? That’s good. And …

Changing my perspective.

S: Aye. Anybody else see another point where the miracle is here? Aye.

Lots of time we feel that moods are out of our control …

S: Yes!

… and that it’s something else that’s making me ill-tempered …

S: I can’t help it. The devil made me do it. It’s the result of …

But Frank realized that the mood is really himself, and that he has total control over it. And that he just has to make the choice.

S: It’s really scary, don’t you think, when all the ingredients are the same and you realize it’s not anything out there? That it really is something in here. It really is something in here. And when you’re really at a state of mastery, you’re able to put that to work in absolutely everything that’s going on with you. How many of you have come from terrible, depressing, disgusting, awful, dysfunctional families?—oh, you’re so looking forward to the holidays! And as you make friends and talk with other people, you find that everybody comes from terrible, awful, disgusting, dysfunctional families. That everybody seems to fairly well have gone through different versions of basically the same sorts of things. As if there is some great plan out there—maybe, maybe—so that there are maybe five or six or seven major lessons to be learned—maybe, maybe—and that in one way or another everybody’s going to go through something to learn them, and as a result so many of the same circumstances are alike. You find that you can relate to so many things, and yet the way that individuals handle it—what they become as a result of it—is very, very different. Anybody found that to be true? And then I’ve got another version of it for you. Anybody notice that in life? Sure you have.

The next version of it is, any of you notice, for those of you who have siblings, that you were reared by different people? That you’ve got different memories, different perspectives, different ways of understanding something, and different results in your life. For how many of you are you the good one? Pity about your sister and brother, isn’t it? It’s too bad. It’s the perspective. But the perspective is related to a whole lot more than simply an act of will. And this is very important, because that’s a very major part of the miracle that Frank connected in with. That act of will. Everything’s the very same on the outside, so it must be on the inside, therefore I am going to choose how I’m going to be, how I’m going to feel, right now. And there’s so much power in that, my friends, so much power in that. To give yourself the opportunity to recognize that there are a whole lot of things in this world that you cannot control. You can’t control that the person sitting next to, by their own free will—go ahead, do it—is going to reach out and pinch you right now. You see? You can’t control that you liked it! [Laughter] Do it again! Later. All right, maybe you can control that. There are a lot of things in your reality that you don’t have power over. Oh, that’s one of those New Age, marvelous, statements at the pinnacle of the mountain, rolling down, crashing to the very bottom. I’m not supposed to do that, am I? Keep breaking all of these great New Age—hmm, what would you call them?

Truism.

S: What did you call it?

Truism.

S: Truism. I thought you said trivet. A great New Age trivet which sounded to me like something very trivial. Sort of a trivet. I like that. Aye. A truism. All right, that works. A great New Age truism which says you control your own reality. You create your own reality. All right, you ready? About creating your own reality—one, two, three [gives Bronx cheer]. Because free will in this world means that now and again, doing the best you can, where you are, with what you have, you’re going to cross the street, and Louise doing the best she can is going to run you down with her car. Well, I hope not.

You control your reactions. Your power is in how you choose to react to what comes your way, and then what actions you choose for your own self based on that. And that is so important. You can kick yourself too long and too hard by telling yourself that you have the total creative, manifestive ability to manage every step, every moment of your time, because, darlings, if you had that you would be here [in his seat] instead.

Besides why should you have that when you’re not at the point where you can control your reaction, needless to say your action.

So there you are in this world, finding out that what you have the ability to take care of is your reactions, and that gives the miracle that Frank was expressing right there. And this is the time of year in which miracles, and especially miracles of power, tend to be in people’s minds. It’s a time of year in which there are so many opportunities to feel the marvelous gifts of love and joy and peace on earth and goodwill to all people. It’s an opportunity to be totally in link with everyone on the planet for the common goal of good. And the bottom line of all of that is—Jean sees it coming—the bottom line of all of that is that means it’s the season to feel guilty, fa-la-la, la-la-la, because you don’t feel that sense of union with all. Because you don’t always feel the happiness of the season and peace on earth and goodwill to all. ‘Tis the season to feel guilty, because it’s time to go home and be with those whom you love that you’ve not wanted to go home and be with all year, and now all of a sudden you get to. It’s the time in which you get to go out and buy presents for people you would not say hello to, if, as Stuart is so quick to say somewhere down the line, someone had not had sex and made you related to them. ‘Tis the season to feel guilty. ‘Tis the season to be frustrated. ‘Tis the season to not have enough time. ‘Tis the season to … you want to add anything?

[…]

S: To not have enough money. Is anybody …

To pretend.

S: To pretend. ‘Tis the season to be fraudulent [singing]. It wasn’t so bad! And are you waiting for the part where it gets warm and mushy and becomes a proper sort of holiday show? Well, darlings, it doesn’t. That’s as good as it gets. You can go home now. Because the point I desire to make is, in this particular opportunity to chat, is not let’s talk about the holidays and what they are, let’s make them holy, let’s talk about the Festival of Lights, let’s give a sermonette for Christianettes on the New Age version of Christmas. That’s not what my desire is to do tonight.

Instead it’s to talk to you about coping. Real-life day-to-day coping with the holidays. And I hope that I don’t take too much of your time to do it. And I hope that it’s one of the most practical bits of information that I’ve ever given you, because I have been dealing with too many of you who are right on the edge of late. Who are feeling overwhelmed and underwhelmed. Both. Overwhelmed with all that’s going on out there, and underwhelmed with how you’re feeling in here. Overwhelmed with all there is to do and underwhelmed with your desire, your … your … tell me the word, Paula.

Motivation.

S: Your motivation to do it. Overwhelmed with the sense of all the love this season is supposed to be within you, and underwhelmed with your sense of actually feeling it. Before you allow yourself to start feeling guilty, which creates separation, before there is a need to blame out there—and if that doesn’t work, in here—let’s talk.

Everything that you do in your life, everything that you do in your life, everything that you do is because you’re getting something you want from it. Bottom line, if you don’t like what you’re getting, ask yourself what it is you must be asking for. Maybe you forgot to take the kick-me sign off that you put on when you were fourteen years old and did not particularly have a real good sense of self, and now that you’re forty years old, you’re wondering why people are still thinking you’re a doormat, but it’s because they’re reading the sign you’re putting out.

In this particular season, tell me a couple of ways one might be wearing a kick-me sign. Anybody? Any thoughts here?

Helping people.

S: Helping people. Such a good thing to do. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? And very, very soon I’m going to talk to you specifically about doing that in a way. But that’s right. One of the ways that you wear a kick-me sign is when you are the one who is always out there helping everybody else before you do anything for yourself. What you’re doing is you’re letting them know that you think little of you, and more of them. And more often than not that translates as get what you want quick before they wake up and realize they’re being used. If in your life you are one of those people who gets a thrill out of being the responsible one whose whole life is dedicated toward making things right for everybody else and yet in your own life you are irresponsible and things aren’t going right for you, you need to be aware of two things. The first one is why, and the second one is—I’ll tell you. You have control issues and what you’re getting out of it is the opportunity to feel powerful in someone else’s life because you do not feel powerful in your own. Big danger. Big danger there.

How do you get over it? Any idea? Stop it! Which of course causes war, because when you have for thirty years taught somebody that you’re a doormat, they’re going to be very upset if they don’t know where else to wipe their feet now. And you know that really is all that’s needed. So introduce them to someone you don’t like. Bad joke, sorry! “Brought someone for you to meet here. They also wear a doormat sign, because I’m not going to anymore.” You stop it. But one of the greatest reasons that—and here is how it fits with the holidays being uncomfortable more often than not—when you go home and your … well, I was about to say and your children, but I suppose it would be your parents, but it’s both ways. If your children are coming home to you, and it’s always a nerve-wracking, difficult time, or you go home to your parents and it’s always a nerve-wracking difficult time, it’s because there is a lack of common vision happening there. And that lack of common vision is showing itself up in many ways. One of them is communication. I want you to remember that what I’m talking about is the ability to stop being a doormat, but it’s going to send me right into another sort of thing that’s causing difficulty—I’ve learned that word, I like it.

When you are choosing no longer to be the brunt of everybody’s jokes, the one who makes everything all right, the responsible one, the good one. The one who keeps peace in the family, the one who brings the food, organizes the dance, whatever. When you’re ready to take off the sign that says I am so afraid of doing wrong that I must do everything myself, so that no one will know if I do it wrong or not. When you’re ready to take off the sign which says, I’m so afraid of failure that I must control everything into my version of success. When you’re ready to take off the sign that says, use me, but at least you will remember me, you’re going to be surrounded by a family you have specifically trained to rely on you, and they call it responsibility. It’s a communication problem, you see.

You have trained them to define proper and good things by your behaviors. Do you understand what I’m saying here? You want me to be responsible, therefore I will do everything I can to get your approval, even if it’s things I would never do anywhere else out on my own. I will do it here when I am with you. But all of a sudden, out on your own, you have learned that you don’t want to be that one anymore. And what it requires is not a family war, but simply a working out of communication, and what I would suggest that you give a try—it’s your life, you don’t have to—what I would suggest you do for a try is that when one of those situations comes up where everybody is without words expecting you to do something, this year get the words. That’s all. And make a point of it.

For instance, if everybody just expects you to cook the dinner this year, when everyone’s together, why don’t you ask, Is everybody wanting me to cook the dinner this year? You might be surprised to find out the answer’s no, and boy are they relieved. Oops, your issue, not theirs.

You might find out that once they put words on it, well, yes, you might even get a thank you along with it.

What are some of the other sorts of things that might have been expected? Perhaps in your life you’re not expected to cook the dinner, in fact it’s hoped you won’t. What might be another version of that?

You’re always expected to go to them instead of them coming to you.

S: Always expected to go to them. It’s not said, but maybe this year in the planning you want to do something such as bring it up first. But bring it up as if you’re working to try to come up with a way to make things easier for them. Remember that. Humans want to be recognized, and they want that recognition to be thoughtful toward their place in the center of their universe. Thank you for giggling there. Which means that you don’t say, Let’s don’t do it at your house, you say, You know we have always done it at your house and it’s always marvelous, but that must be really hard for you. Let’s let this celebration, this year, be easy and fun for you. Let’s do it at my house, because I would love to be able to have my tryout, and maybe you could give me some pointers on things I’d need to do. What do you call that? Manipulation or leadership? Depends on your intent, doesn’t it? And if the answer is still no, what do you do? Well, of course you know what you do. You threaten. You say, Well I’m not going to come, then. If I can’t have it my way, I’m not going to show up. No, you say, what can I do to make it easier for you? Because you’re letting them know that you’re on their side, and that makes a difference.

Having it at their house. What might be another one? One of those unspoken, but absolutely expected sorts of things that come up with the holidays.

Being the entertainer.

S: Being the entertainer. Yes. The one who is, from the age of four, the performer. And if you are not willing to perform for everybody, on a moment’s notice, with the right stories, the right songs, the right music, the right …

Juggling.

S: Aye? Indeed. Literally and not literally. Then you’ve let them down. I want to remind you that you may not be letting anybody down by not performing this year. It might be that everyone of your aunts and uncles goes into a corner and says, Here we go again. Might be. But if you are not enjoying it, based on what you’ve just said, what might be an alternative way of expressing, communicating, the way to get out of it.

I’ve got a headache.

S: Cynthia’s version of I’ve got a headache is not going to work, because it’s not worked for you all of your life thus far. Jean.

I love to juggle, and I’ve juggled every year, but Sam’s got a great voice. I bet he would just love to sing, and Johnnie could play the guitar.

S: Very good. Giving alternatives is always good. When you are saying no to something, offer alternatives.

Another part of that is, if you are saying, Oh no, perhaps it’s not going to be a total no. Perhaps you might say, All right, but just one song because I always feel like I’m the one who’s the center of attention, and everything gets focused on me. And let’s see who else wants to take part, too. Or another version of that might be—and this is always a good one, but you’ve got be careful with it—you know, I love it, how good you are at organizing this sort of thing. This year I’m not going to be able to give so much attention to it, but you’re so good at pulling that sort of thing together, how can I help you get other people involved in this, too? And that works, because you’re telling them, Well, if you’re asking. And if they’re not asking, but presuming, how about you just don’t jump in and put it all together and create the whole program. Don’t come equipped with fifteen jokes, why don’t you see if the sky falls in if you don’t. Because if all else fails and you’ve given it your best, sometimes the practice of saying no anyway, and explaining in a loving and compassionate way how you feel. And be careful with that one, that’s important—how you feel, because someone can deny what you do, someone can deny even the very words you have said, but they cannot deny what you feel. When you say that I really feel sort of on the spot, and makes me want to please everybody, and I feel that I’m going to let everybody down if I don’t do it. And yet I’m really just not up to it this year. It’s not something I’ve particularly enjoyed and I feel that I would be letting myself down even more. They can’t deny what you feel.

Communication can be done verbally and nonverbally. However, the verbal communication done compassionately with nonverbal synchronicity is going to be the most effective. Your ability to say no is a result of your power. A misuse or a right use of it. Your ability to say no can be a misuse of your power. How? When? How?

When it’s used to control.

S: Aye. When it’s used to control. Or if you’re just being stubborn. What is it the form says? Pissy. You’re being pissy. Aye. I’m not sure about that.

Contrary.

S: Contrary. All right. If you’re just being contrary. Yes. If you’re just really angry, and you’re not going to talk about it, but you’re just saying no and that’s it. No! But it’s an act of power when it’s an honest word out of a change you are making. Until the day you die, you are growing up, my friend. Until the day you leave this planet, you are growing up. So there is always a process of trying something new and seeing how it works. Falling into a rut of expected behaviors is what kills off the rest of your life. Takes the joy. Well, you know what I’ve said a rut is. It’s a grave that a living person lives in.

Things that you can do as well as learn to communicate is to organize your time. The only way that you can organize anything is if you have a vision. The only way that you can communicate is if you have a vision. The only way that you can function in this world is with a vision. And be that the overall vision of what you’re choosing to do with all of your life, and why I was put here on this planet to make a difference in the world. Or, the vision of what the holidays are for you this year. By having a good, clear vision—this year I hope to have really simple holidays, and here is how I’m going to bring that about. Then you’re going to be able to express that and that is going to add to your ability to communicate, as well as to have what it is you’re desiring. When you have that vision, you then can organize what you’re going to be doing by that vision.

Well, now wait a minute. Is baking six dozen cookies going to be simplifying? Is going to every one of these holiday parties going to be simplifying? Well, I guess not, so I’m going to make some choices here. But you cannot do that if you don’t have a vision. What is your vision for these holidays?

Well, what are the holidays about for you? And if what they are about is the one time in the year that you go and you perform and be the happy little child for your family, then, sweet loves, do that. Go ahead. Do it. If that’s what the holidays are to you, do it, and stop being angry about it. Grow up and get over it. But if the holidays instead are an opportunity to express love, and peace, and joy, and fighting with your sister just doesn’t do it for you, look to see what can be changed. And if your sister cannot, maybe you can. Frank has experienced that miracle. It’s available. He has got it now. It’s up for someone else. Organization is based on vision. What is your vision?

Another thing that can make these holidays a whole lot easier, better, more fun—and I told you I was going to get to the part where it comes to your having to give something—is for you to do something that’s going to make you feel really good about you. To do something that’s going to start you off with the right heart—you thought I was going to say on the right foot, right? To start you off with the right heart. To do something that affirms your loving self. Now what might that be? If the holidays to you are a time to experience a spiritual thing, then do something that’s going to affirm the spiritual in you. If it is an opportunity to gather with friends that you deeply and truly love, then you want to do something that is about deeply and truly loving. And on the broadest scale—full of hints I am tonight—on the broadest scale doing something in which your act is kind, loving, with no idea of return, is very, very satisfying to the whole being. It is an act, action, in the world, which satisfies the physical essence. Coming up with it, and determining exactly what it is you’re going to do to fit with your vision, to plan it through, is an act of the mental, the emotional, the creative self. And both of the physical and the mental raised to its highest level is an act of spirit.

There are so many places where your abilities can be used. This city has so many needs, and there are very many of you who are always doing such things as going through your closets and donating clothes to those who don’t have them, and passing along winter coats, and serving meals, and Claudia—planning them, and making them, and coming up with all of it—there is so much that can be done that way. There are families that could use your help. Now, I’m here to make trouble tonight, because I want to remind you that that is a very good thing to do, and if you are looking for a place in which you can give, do that. It’s good for you, and it’s not even hard to find out where. In fact, I bet there are people in this room who know of specific places where help could be used. Raised your hand right now if you’re one of those people who absolutely knows of specific places where help can be used, and if that’s a desire for your heart, look to those hands, but I want to remind you of a couple of more suggestions.

One of the reasons that these holidays become so very, very hard is not because you’re not giving enough, it’s that you’re giving where you’re not necessarily going to receive. There’s not a balance in it. I recommend that you take on your homeless, heartless self this year. That you’re probably more in need on a whole lot of levels. And that, without taking away from buying toys for children who aren’t getting them, and buying presents for families who aren’t having them, and serving food at the homeless shelters—without taking away from that at all, I recommend that you come up with a true present for you this year. Part of the difficulty, my friend, is because you’re so busy doing obligatory giving that you lose you. You stop doing the comfort things like taking three extra minutes in the shower with the hot water pounding on you, and just feeling good. You stop singing at the top of your lungs. You forget to take yourself to a film and give yourself a couple of hours of just nothing. You forget how to read. You forget how to write. You forget to be kind to you. You push yourself until you can hardly move any more, until you’re not fit for others, needless to say yourself. You forget that you can’t give love when you’re an empty well. Do something good for you. And maybe the what good you’re doing for you this year is saying no now and again. Maybe it’s saying yes. Do something good for you.

And another version of doing something good for you is to do something good for the creatures. Now very, very often in this particular society you’re very, very tuned to taking care of one another, human to human. And unfortunately as a result of that I see that your guardianship of the creatures is often forgotten this time of year. Maybe, maybe doing something good for you might be donating some time at the animal shelter. Or taking in a huge bag of dog kibble, or putting out food for the squirrels in the park. Give me a few ideas here.

Feed the birds.

S: Feed the birds. But if you start, don’t stop. Make it a commitment.

Adopt a whale.

S: Adopt a whale. Adopt a whale? You don’t go to Bolivia for that one, do you?

[…] so they send you […] you know, and you send them money.

S: I’ve heard recently about adopting a wolf, and I thought it was some sort of dating game. [Laughter] Adopt a whale, eh?

You need a big bathtub.

S: A very big bathtub. Sure. Adopt a whale. Perhaps donate some time or some money to a group that works with the creatures. Sure. A whale or a dolphin or a wolf or a piece of the rain forest. More.

There are organizations that will have … that spay and neuter cats and dogs that are wild in the area, so you can give money towards that.

S: And these are very good, but I want you to remember that it’s your doing it that counts here. And I also want to remind you that it doesn’t have to cost you money. When your bread gets stale, put it out for the creatures, but you’re doing it consciously. Or maybe when you buy your groceries you buy an extra can for that cat that’s been wandering around, and you’ve been saying, Oh, I know it will just stay forever if I start feeding it. Well, maybe it’s time to share your heart a bit.

My point is, give to yourself and consider giving to the creatures, too. It’s not my desire to eliminate the knowledge that there are so many of your fellow species out there—maybe not quite as nutty, but out there. But you would not be here, in flesh, in the costume of human, if you were not a guardian of the creatures. And I promise you that it does your soul something very interesting when you give to that which cannot say thank you but so desperately needs you. And although you can serve Christmas dinner, at the shelter—and I recommend it; it’s good for your heart to do that—there can still be that part of you that does it because somebody’s going to see. But the squirrels are just going to grin. The animals at the shelter are just going to eat. And the creatures get forgotten too easily.

Now what do you think is going on here that I’m giving a talk saying what you can do for yourself this year is learn how to confront, do something good for yourself, and the homeless dogs. Well, darlings, there’s a pattern to this madness. Stephanie, have you got it?

Well, we have a responsibility toward our world, as in we’re guardians of the creatures, ourselves and each other, but more so of the creatures.

S: That what makes you feel good is to know what it is you want, that vision, and being responsible to it. If that means changing the habitual behaviors that you have been living in, then make the effort. Slowly perhaps, but make the effort to do that. You can change your life to have what you want. Do something for you. Don’t forget you this season, and be responsible to you this year. And one of the most wonderful ways that you can give to you is to give out of a truly open heart. And one of the easiest ways to practice doing that is with the animal kingdom. Often forgotten in this cold time of year, and very needy. It is a way of a purely unselfish act.

Yes, it is a season for giving. Yes, it is the season for giving, and the ability to give your whole heart will only happen if you are consciously choosing to heal and make your heart whole. This world needs you. And in this season, this season of light, at this time when there are so many who are rushed and too busy, who don’t care, who are feeling guilty and feeling separate and overburdened, overwhelmed and underwhelmed, you can make a difference. You can make a difference in the lives of those whom you love the very most. You can make a difference in your life. You can make a difference in your family’s lives. You can make a difference in the lives of the creatures on the planet. You can make a difference in the lives of those who have less than you. You can make a difference.

But you won’t and it won’t be any different than it ever was, it will be the same old stuff and you’ll be just as frustrated afterwards unless you choose this year to make a change. And it’s up to you, because personal change is not very high on most people’s agenda. Let’s change the world to be more like me! You can change the world, but you can only change this world with love, and it must begin with you.

The Festival of Lights is a birth. I challenge you, my friends, to use these next two and a half weeks every day to look for a way to give love to yourself, to those whom you care about, to the world you live in. To yourself. To those whom you care about. To the world you live in. If this holiday season is going to be the best one you have ever had, it will only happen because you are the best you have ever been.

Glochanumora, my friends. Happy, happy trails.