Creating Good Relationships

May 4, 2008

Samuel: Hello, dears. Still here?

I’m still here.

S: That’s a good thing.

I agree.

S: You have just leapt a great milestone. Do you know what it is? [No response.] Maybe you haven’t leapt one.

Beltane.

S: Well, of course, Beltane is one of those things, or at least the more recent sort of celebration for it. Sure, that can fit in there. I had another one in mind. [No response.] All right then, guess.

Wesak.

S: Well, of course, you’re all looking at a very spiritual version of this, and that’s really good. I’m glad. I am looking at something a little more mundane.

Income tax day.

S: Yes. Yes. And why would it matter? Why would I say, “You’ve passed a milestone. Income tax day.” Why ever would that matter to me?

I have no idea.

A good question.

S: It is a good question.

Because Phoenix is a non-profit, volunteer organization.

S: That’s a good reason too. Not exactly the one I had in mind, but a pretty good one there.

Well, you’ve always said that Guardians have financial issues in the beginning and the end of their journey, and tax, income tax, it always brings up financial issues, so it’s a milestone for dealing with those issues.

S: And, actually, there are very like a few other reasons in there that work with it, but the . . .

Ah, sorry, love. [To Hapi] Are you eating jewelry now?

But that’s actually a very good reason in that. Financial issues, and your paying taxes—that being easy, or that not being easy—but it tending to be an issue is a good one to focus on. Why is it . . . well, other than just to be nasty and mean and pointing out difficult things, why would I say, “With Guardians at the beginning and the end of your compacts, you’re going to find financial issues being important?”

Well, finances usually have to do with security issues.

S: Don’t they though.

So, you know, often when we begin, we have a lot of security issues, and when we get to the end and things are changing rapidly, those security issues can come up again.

S: Yes. Exactly so. Exactly so. How do you learn best?

The hard way.

S: And so often that’s exactly what seems to be the case. It’s not the easy way, it’s the hard way, more often than not, or to say it another way, it tends to be human nature: no pain, no gain. “If I work hard enough at it, then it’s worth something.” If there’s enough difficulty with it, it’s worth something. That the hard way tends to be the way the lesson sticks—sticks.

So financial issues, unfortunately, tend to be a very easy way to go through a whole lot of self awareness lessons, and make change, become flexible, become adaptable. It’s an easy way to experience the best of you and the worst of you. And it’s not how much do you have, just as it’s not how little do you have? That’s not the point at all. It’s how you manage what you have. And when I say “how you manage what you have,” that does not mean who you choose for a financial advisor. I’m not talking about that kind of managing. I’m talking about the way you look at it, because I can guarantee you, the way that you look at and manage your finances—many or few—the way that you look at, the way that you deal with it, how it works or does not work for you, is the easiest way in your life to find out if you have issues that have not been taken care of yet, if you have fears that need to be transformed, if you have behavioral idiosyncrasies such as you are irresponsible, undisciplined and uncaring—Oh! Oh! Oh!—three strikes, you’re out, right? Because that too can be means by which you get to find out more about yourself. Why do you make the choices you do?

Now, interestingly enough, this is not what I’m talking about tonight, but it’s a really good answer [sic] into the big change that I was mentioning.

[Baby starts crying] Don’t you start throwing my baby around. You know, the floor sometimes jumps up so fast. You’re just crawling around, minding your own business, and the floor hops up and smacks you! And you thought that was just when you were drinking, aye? I think there were too many people in here who could relate to that.

So this event that I am happy to use tax day as the example of, what might I be making reference to based on what I just talked about? Thoughts? Any? Frank.

Well, a lot of people resent tax day—get angry at having to pay taxes.

S: That’s only because they don’t know your secret.

Get an extension.

And your teaching is to give where you receive. And so it’s . . . I find it interesting that I try and look at it, when I pay taxes, that I’m giving where I receive. I do know that there’s a lot of things that my government does that I don’t support, and in my way of looking at things, my tax money doesn’t go for that; it goes for the things that I believe in, and other people’s money supports that.

S: Is that a good example of what they call “magical thinking?”

But so it gives me a lot of opportunity to look at myself.

S: Sure. Good.

Am I prepared to pay the taxes? Have I managed my money so I can pay it. Have I been aware of what’s been coming in or going out so I have a good idea of what I’m going to owe or not owe.

S: Excellent.

And so for me it’s always an opportunity to see how I’ve managed my life in a lot of ways in the past year, and how much scurrying I have to do come tax day to be ready for it.

S: Well, there’s some good lessons in that, indeed.

I basically was going to say pretty much the same thing.

S: All right. Paula.

Well, you know, when you sit there and you finish the form, and you realize either you’ve got to give the government some money, or you’re going to get some back, that’s always a decision point, because it means, have you got the money in the bank, have you saved enough money to pay the taxes? Or, are you going to get this nice little refund back, and what are you going to do with it? Are you going to run out and buy something crazy with it? Are you going to use it to pay your credit cards off? So there’s kind of that dividing line, that decision point that shows you how you manage your money.

S: Yes. That actually shows you how you manage your life.

A shift in energy that you are getting the advantage of, or not getting the advantage of; a shift in energy allowing you—[pause] I actually just realized this could be a great curse—allowing you to see you clearly. As if a cosmic mirror has been put into your life that you are able to see, in ways you have not seen before, see yourself. You might be seeing that as I was going to be presenting it as a great gift. On the other hand, it might be a curse.

And that leads me to what I’m talking about tonight, because what I’m talking about tonight has to do, in every possible way, with how you see you, and how to change that .

[Picks up a stuffed toy] It’s obviously a pooka, which is a shape-changer, because it’s either a dragon or hippopotamus. Sorry, dear. You get the hippopotamus view, and you get the dragon view. Aye. We could charge more for those seats. You have the dragon view. Or a bald hippopotamus.

So where was I going with that? You are in the midst of what should be one of the best years of your life. And that statement is going to be a comfort, a good pat on the back, or it’s going to be a challenge. Either way, you have the opportunity to see the best of you. And, of course, you have the opportunity to see the not so best of you. What have you been seeing?

I have said that in this life everything that you do, in one way or another, is going to be happening, working, acting out, acting in, all through communication and relationships. A relationship means the communication is happening, but you can have communication without a necessarily “both people aware of it” relationship. Well, your grocery clerk probably doesn’t realize that you’re in a relationship together, but the more you are aware, consciously remembering that this is a relationship, and all of the rules for the most intimate of relationships are also the rules for the most non-intimate—there’s got to be a better way to say that.

Everything in your life comes through by way of your ability to master communication and relationships, and your awareness of yourself is all about both of those. You have a relationship with yourself—at least you’re talking to somebody when you’re wandering down the street, and your lips are moving, and you’re shaking your head, and nobody else is around. Oh, wait, that also can be a . . .

Cell phone.

S: Cell phone, yes. Your relationship with yourself, your relationship with Source, your relationship with that part of you that remembers growing up with parents who taught you this and that, and the child you were taking you to the adult you were, you have a relationship with the adult that you were. Sometimes you, right now—even the very young among you—the self that you are looking on is a remarkably different self than the one you are inhabiting right now. You might look at that self as happier or clueless, innocent, naïve, stupid. And sometimes you look at that self—yesterday’s self, ten years ago self—sometimes you look at that self and you think, “That was the best one,” instead of the one you’re in right now.

Your relationship with you—I promise—is parallel within your relationships with others. You don’t treat other people better than you treat you. “Oh, Samuel, no that’s not true at all! I often am accused of not thinking of myself, and putting myself last, and I put other people first all of the time, and . . . ” No, you treat other people the way you treat you.

[Baby makes noise] You see, he knows what I’m saying next. [Baby laughs] Now, you know, you should take that

over, and show the beautiful bundle over there that’s being chuckled at here. I suppose it wouldn’t quite go over the heads though, would it?

Your view of you, right now, which is not necessarily the reality of you. Those who are functioning consciously, it may be the reality of who they are, but those who are choosing to just slip through life asleep, well, in that particular case, they do not know themselves, they do not know their options, they do not know their costumes, they do not know enough to be able to take from what has been, and use that right now and get to know yourself better because of it. To take what you were then, and you’re in a place in which what you were then is better than what you think you are now, you’re not going to be able to shift out of that rut. You’re not going to be able to make a change in that, because the power you don’t have draws you more than the power you do have. And that’s true in every kind of relationship.

What I wanted to speak to you a bit tonight [about] was creating good relationships. These can be relationships with family, friends, coworkers, but I need you to remember with everything that I say every bit of it is also you. How you create a relationship with yourself that works, that fulfills, that empowers, that delights. And with every one of these suggestions, you are also going to see that depending upon the balance—which I’ll get to in a moment—in a relationship, the balance point, it may be a very important relationship, or it may be one that is casual. What do you call it? A yard sale relationship, right? Three minutes. You can be friendly for three minutes, and then they’re gone and you never see them again.

Every relationship in your life is a part of every relationship in your life. How you function in the most important one is how you function in the least important one. How much time you give it changes, and if it doesn’t, then you will find the most important feels more like the least important and you’re going to run into trouble—time. The techniques are the same.

Now, the first thing that I want you to do, just for a moment, is to think about what’s happening here right now. You are listening to something borrowing a body telling you about relationships. I’m glad you laughed. That was what I meant for you to do, but you’ve got to think about that for a moment, because no matter what I say, the truth is going to only be proven by your experience. I will tell you that what I’m going to say is absolutely the way things work, but you are the only one who will know the truth of that for you.

What is the most important thing for any relationship?

Communication.

S: Ah, you see? Good for you. Yes. Exactly right. Communication. Communication happens how? Say it again, D.C.

Energy-wise.

S: Yes. And I’m going to call that intent. You have a tendency to want to believe that it doesn’t take work, it just happens, but the fact of it is if you want to keep it around, the work must happen. If you want to continue it, if you want there to be a future, if you want to explore it any farther, there must be . . . maybe I’m actually not being a good example of communication for you this night; just go back to what I just said. If it’s going to work, communication obviously needs to be there. Communication based on your intent of what that relationship can be.

Every function in this world shows up first as Intent. It moves to Thought; from there it becomes a part of the outer world, called Word, and then Deed where it is acted upon. Every relationship follows that. Every form of communication follows that, but the way the dance shows up for you is based on what happened to you five minutes ago, or five years, or fifty years ago. Everything that you do in this moment is the culmination of everything you have done in every moment up until this one.

That means, therefore, that you are stuck, and you are never going to be able to get away from your past, and that every relationship that you have now is going to be just like every one that has been, because you are the culmination of everything that has been.

Not if you compare it to April fifteenth.

S: There you go. Well, fortunately, you’re laughing. Fortunately you are realizing that I’m making a point that isn’t accurate. Why isn’t it accurate? Frank.

We have free will.

S: True.

We can change.

S: Good. Good. Say that again, Frank.

We have free will, and we can choose to change.

S: And now say it one more time.

We have free will, and we can choose to change.

S: You have free will. You can choose to change. Change is all about investment. You change because it’s worth it to you, and that’s the only reason you change. You change because it’s worth it to you.

There is a joke playing around [in Lea’s head] that apparently is inappropriate, so I’ll just sort of make the point, and maybe you can tell the joke. It’s all about how much you are willing to pay, that you are willing to receive, that you are willing—as I mentioned earlier—function in the point of balance. The joke is something to do with “Now we know what you are. We just need to negotiate a price.” Yes?

Oh, yes.

S: Yes? You are constantly negotiating your price. You are constantly negotiating your price. And so what is your price. What are you willing to give so that you don’t have to change? What are you willing to put up with? What are you willing to do to keep you safe, even if that safety means in pain, unhappy, forgotten how to laugh. How much does your life cost you these days? And I’m going to say that again, how much does your life cost you these days? And is it a price you are glad to pay?

I want to talk for a moment about that balance point. You’re living at a time in which things are constantly coming into your awareness under the law of extremes, and that means exactly what it sounds like. In your life at any given time things that come up for you are very likely going to be way out of balance on that end of the scale, and way out of balance at the other end of the scale. You have drama. You have excitement. You have everything—oh, it’s raining, it pours? It rains, it pours.

When it rains, it pours.

S: When it rains, it pours. Good. You’ve got everything happening at once, and then everything slows down, and there’s nothing going on and then you’re bored. And then everything’s happening at once, and then . . . extremes. Extremes.

One of the most important decisions that you make in life, the best way to change anything going on that’s a difficulty to you, the most important behavior to keep you out of living at those dramatic, outrageous extremes is what it takes to shift you to balance—do you choose, consciously, to shift out of that or not? Are you so comfortable with the excitement, are you so fearful of change, that you don’t even know what to do to bring balance? And way too often, and amongst those who have known for a thousand years, but certainly for many of them, that they are here to make the world better somehow, that there’s a mission in here somewhere, that you are a gift to this world—knowing that, and not knowing how to bring about balance. Well, now you see, that tells me what you are; now let’s negotiate the price, because that’s not a Guardian’s behavior.

How do you shift out of the extreme? Well, it would be really nice if I could hand you a five-point answer. “Here are the tools. Here’s what it is.” But really there’s just one answer. You turn around and start marching the other way. What’s going on in your life that you know isn’t right, that you know isn’t working? Why can’t you just turn around and at least look the other way.

I’m going to—as I promised a few years ago—give you a dog training example. Here is how to live your life like you are training a dog. I like that.

Suzie, would you be my example here, my visual aid for this?

Definitely.

S: All right. D.C. will you also? Thank you. All right, D.C. I would like for you to stand here, and—I’m really sorry about this, darling—she’s the dog. A duck dog, apparently, but a dog in there somewhere. In your life you have an extreme. I would like for you to be an extreme behavior in greeting D.C. You don’t have actually to get down there like a dog. All right.

No! Down! Down! Heel! No treats for you!

S: Ah, for those of you who aren’t able to see what’s going on there, I am so sorry you missed that. What I want you to remember for a moment though is that dog, dog’s companion, is your life. What does the dog want?

Attention.

S: And therefore D.C. is giving the dog attention. “Get down! Stop! No! Quit it! Get off of me! Move! No!” Lots of attention. “Oh, I’ve got lots of words coming,” because, you know, the dog hears, “Oh you adorable little thing! Aren’t you just so cute! You just rule my heart you little dog!” Whereas D.C. thinks she is saying, “Get away! Get away!” Remember, this is your life. This may not come to you with four legs on the floor and a wagging tail—you wish—but this is “Relationships 101.”

What does the dog want? Attention. Does the dog care what kind of attention?

Not this dog.

S: The dog . . . thank you, thank you. You’re very good at that. And that was the perfect sort of responses back with it. [I] could not have chosen better. Thank you both.

Sit, Duchess.

S: Sit! I said sit! No. Sit! Sit!

In every relationship you’re in, what is it the other person wants?

Attention.

S: Pretty much. Pretty much. And most of the time, depending upon how they see the situation, they rule or you rule. The dog is the boss or you are the boss. They will treat you according to how they read the boss. You can break that extreme, you can break that cycle, by doing one thing.

I need you back up now, but how about this time you do [it] here so that maybe some of the others can see that. D.C. has just walked into the home, and Duchess is so glad to see her.

Down! Down! Stop!

S: So now she’s going to do something different. She’s going to consciously not give what’s being demanded. Sure. Sure. And what Duchess is doing now is pretty much what Duchess or Hapi or Suzie or D.C. would do—pause to regroup. The power is in that pause. That’s where your decision needs to be already be made. Your action needs to be already determined.

You’ve got a lot of dogs in your life. Some of them are very well trained, some of them know how to make you happy, some of them you spend all of your time making them happy. You change the dynamic. You shift out of that place of “Here is the familiar way that we always act.” What’s needed is conscious change. Don’t automatically give, wait for the pause, or paws. And when you’ve got that pause, recognize and immediately—you know how it is in life—what’s going to happen? Got that pet, got that attention. “More. More. More.” Give that pet, and what you begin to establish only with consistency, and only when the point of balance—I’ll come back to that again in a moment—is already established what you begin to create is, “What you want happens when you’re not jumping all over me. It’s when you settle down a bit.”

Thank you again, good work. Good dog.

I’m going to say it again, you’ve got a lot of dogs in your life, and it’s not necessarily the relationship showing up as you walk in the door, and the person’s so happy to see you, and you’re so excited about that, and . . . remember, this is your life. These are relationships. These are vital to your function every day.

Knowing what you want in a relationship. If that relationship is with somebody instead of a four-footed friend, then that person is also going to have things they want in the relationship. How much is it worth it to you to give them what they want? How much are you willing to pay to get what you want? And the balance is when what they want and what you want are both being at least partially satisfied. That’s only going to happen when you turn off the extreme behavior by discontinuing the ritual that allowed it to come up in the first place.

With Duchess you like that greeting enough that it’s not worth it to you to turn the other way.

That’s what Mary does. She won’t pet her until she calms down.

S: And obviously now you can know that Duchess does not like her as much, because, you know, dogs, they’re very picky that way. They only want to be around those they can dominate. You know people like this in your life.

Let me throw another piece of that in: another way that the doggie dominates. You’re sitting at the table eating, and the dog smells “by my incredible olfactory ability, I can tell that that’s food up there!” And you get [sad look] “I believe if I cannot have a piece of that bread I will probably die right here.” Don’t you? Dog is convinced, sincere, “please share it with me.” You fall for that.

They practice it in the mirror.

S: It’s not so good for you. Cindy says the pitiful looks don’t work for her—because she’s blind. So, you have those kind of dog relationships in your life don’t you too? “You have what I need. I just cannot function without this. You should share with me. It’s only right. You have so much. I have so little.” Maybe it’s “If you don’t give me what I want, I’ll leave.” “If you don’t share that dinner with me, I’m going to tell people that you’re not spiritual.”

I would like to remind you that consistency beats whining any day. That dog goes out to your neighbors and says, “They were cruel to me. Call the . . . ”

ASPCA.

S: That, and your neighbor has watched you lovingly, gently, thoughtfully keep filling in the good behaviors consistently, that’s going to win over the negative whine.

This is your life. These are your relationships. Don’t let the cute dog story, the metaphor I’m going with here, throw you off. You let yourself be manipulated, or you consciously and purposefully manipulate because it’s leadership when it’s the right Intent. I just thought I’d do that before you did. Because you’re getting something out of it, because there’s something you believe must be in place for you to be happy so that you are willing to put up with the jumping, the pushing, the snarling, the . . . or you are willing to put up with the whining, the crying, the manipulations, because you’re getting something out of it.

You’ve got to bring it back to balance, and that point of balance is not going to be achieved by continuing to slowly wean yourself off of the extreme. “I’ll just stop a little more and a little more.” You cannot back up to balance.

You have a teeter-totter, aye? Isn’t that an interesting thing?

Seesaw.

S: Well that one just doesn’t make sense to me, Teeter-totter at least doesn’t sound like anything, but seesaw. Sounds like a grammar lesson. It does. You’ve got the teeter-totter, and there you are, totally out of balance over here. And you’ve got to turn around, and walk back to the center, or you’re not going to move. You’ve got to turn around. Stop the behavior that’s kept you in the extreme, and choosing one thing, one step, but facing the right way. Then you can do another step, but you’re facing the right way. And then you can do another step, but you’re facing the right way. You’re not continuing the behavior that did not work, and slowly doing less of it.

Frank.

But it might look the same to someone else.

S: Which might look the same?

If I’m doing less and less of an extreme behavior, or I’m doing more and more of the proper behavior, that will, on the other side, mean that I’m also doing less and less of the bad behavior, the dramatic behavior, but the intent is different. So I mean it could look the same, but the results would be very different.

S: Well, I cannot come up with an illustration that would prove that out. What I can do is remind you that we’re talking [about] a relationship, and a relationship requires communication, so you’re not going to make a change, you’re not going to turn around and face the other way and stick with it if you don’t do this. “You know, this hasn’t been working. I’m not going to just fall back into this. I’m going to try a new way of managing this. So, you can stay here and fight, that’s all right, but I’m going to—what would the dog need?—I’m going to hold my ground, and not give you the inappropriate attention you’re asking for. I’m going to choose to get out of a situation that is painful and negative.” And at the very beginning, that very first step might simply look like a visualization of managing happiness when you’re feeling upset or hurt. You must communicate that you are suddenly playing by different rules, or you’re just playing one more game.

Now, with your dog, I’m not so clear that generally speaking they’re going to understand when you say, “I’m no longer going to feed you while I’m eating. I give you this food off of my plate,”—or whatever it is—you just stop providing the fuel that continues the unacceptable, inappropriate, no longer working, past amplifying and empowering behavior.

I can understand the illustration with the dog. However, what if you don’t know what it is you’re doing that is the fuel?

S: Well, before you make a definitive action, you might want to stop and take a look at “What’s going on here? What am I getting out of this?” What am I getting out of this is really one of the most powerful questions you can ask yourself for most anything, because when you remember “I have a part in keeping this going. I am getting something out of it, even if it’s the confirmation of the belief that I am unworthy, and useless, and afraid, and powerless.” And I will tell you that there’s a whole lot more of that going on in the world—in this world—than I would ever like to think was possible. Sometimes you stay in because it’s comfortable at these levels, and you’d rather have that comfort than whatever the other choice would be.

Take a look at it. What am I getting out of this? If what I’m getting out of it isn’t doing it, ask yourself another question. What is this other party getting out of it, and why is that a problem? And how does that affect you?

Any training that you are doing with a dog, or a baby, or your mate, or yourself, requires consistency, and rewarding what works. That’s the only way change sticks. Consistency and rewarding what works. And when you know what it is the other person wants, there you know what reward can be given.

I want you to remember that I started this talking to you about yourself, that a relationship with yourself also fits under these tools. And I also want you to remember, please, that I started out the whole evening talking to you about taxes, talking to you about there is an opportunity to see yourself in ways you have not been able to before going on right now, and it’s not a new circumstance in the world. It’s not something that’s going to be going on forever. This energy is in and out and won’t last through the month. It is an opportunity for you to see you. What it is in relationships that works and does not work, what it is that you are doing that makes it work or not work. You have the chance to see you, but I must warn you, if you don’t like what you see, change is needed.

Consistency. Reward what is good. Choose to turn around from what does not work, and walk toward the balance point. That and don’t eat too many dog biscuits. It will make you fat.

Please think about what I’ve discussed. Please remember I’m talking about you. Dog illustration—doesn’t matter, play with it, use it. Teeter-totter, turn around, stop giving what’s expected. Stop playing into what doesn’t work. Turn around. Get out of it. Shift, because one of the worst things that can happen, beloved ones, is for you to not take action, and see that in the mirror. Nothing’s worth that.

So, happy trails. Glochanumora.